Love is Greater Than …Life through a lens of love and hope

Ah Vegas… if it weren’t for WPPI, I don’t think I’d ever visit you again. You’re just to gaudy, and soulless for me =)

WPPI was amazing. It started out with a bang on Sunday when Carli, Mary (my roommates, photographers and friends from Toledo) and I went to an ultra-hip party for photographers called Airhorns & Lasers. It was at the Tryst club in the Wynn Hotel & Casino, and was pretty much what I expected. Which is to say, I was by far the nerdiest person in the room. A few things were made clear on that first night though;

1.) The photography business has a ridiculous amount of beautiful people in it, which flies in the face of the preconceived notion I had about why photographers are behind the lens in the first place.
2.) Vegas is stupid-expensive.

Two Heineken’s at this party (which had a $50 cover charge to get in, by the way), cost me $24. That set the tone for how I’d spend money the rest of the trip… I was having a heart-attack by Monday afternoon wondering if I was going to blow my travel budget out of the water.

Despite the gaudiness, and incredible expense of Vegas, the trip was still epic. It was great being there with Mary and Carli, as I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t have been near as much fun without some friends. The trade show was a great chance to do some window shopping on albums, print shops, and even gear (I’m hoping I’ll be the proud owner of a brand new Nikon 24mm f/1.4N by the end of this year.) There were plenty of speakers actually at the booths in the trade show as well, so even when you weren’t at a class, you could still hear some speakers.

The classes/seminars themselves… I actually only went to two. Monday morning I went to a session called “Beloved” by Jesh De Rox (probably my favorite photographer right now) that was way more mind-blowing than I want to share here on my blog. Seriously, I haven’t slept much since that class because I’m so pumped for a new thing I’ll be launching at LGP which came directly out of this session. That session really set the tone for the rest of my time in Vegas. Tuesday morning I went to a session on workflow by John Michael Cooper. There was some great practical things that came out of that session for me, as well as a mariachi band which opened it… FTW.

I ran into a few people I’ve only ever seen on blogs or seen their work on their websites. It was cool to put real physical faces to names… notable mentions would be Nate Kaiser of The Image is Found, Bryan Wurzell and Promise Tangeman, Jesh De Rox, and probably a few others I’m not even thinking of right now.

To sum up… I went to WPPI with a pre-conceived notion of what I’d walk out with. I imagined I’d leave with lots of tips and tricks to save time, be more efficient, and make more money. In reality, I left inspired to do something way bigger than those things, and really had a self-evaluation of what I’m doing, why I’m doing it, and what I hope to accomplish. I am so excited for what’s next, and I’m quite sure I’ll make WPPI a regular event in my year.

Here are a few pictures, and a video of the mariachi band…

Lately I’ve come to realize I am caring less and less about social networks such as Facebook and Twitter. My total updates per day have gone down drastically, and the only time I spend on either is when I literally have nothing better to do than waste time. It’s not because I’m any busier than normal, or that I’ve “replaced” them with something or someone else… I just don’t seem to care about updating with every mundane detail of my day anymore.

So, I’m going to try something…

Lent starts tomorrow. I haven’t given up anything for Lent in my life, ever. This year, I figure it’s as good a time as any to try something out. I want to experiment with the next few weeks of my life, and see what would happen if I commit to walking away and not using Twitter, Facebook, or any other social network, including this here blog. Would my life be better, worse, or stay the same? I’m willing to use this Lent season as an excuse to find out.

So, here are my self-imposed rules, starting tomorrow and carrying through Easter Sunday…

• I will not be updating Twitter (and subsequently Facebook) with any personal items unless it’s super important (we ARE pregnant, after all).
• I will still utilize both for LGP needs if necessary.
• No updating the blog.
• I will check Twitter/Facebook once per day (at night) to make sure there are no messages, DM’s or @reply’s waiting for me and my attention.
• I will still be logged into Facebook Chat via Adium (an all-in-one Mac IM program), so don’t yell at me if you see me in your chat window, it doesn’t mean I’m actually looking at Facebook.

Finally, there are still a billion ways you can get a hold of me. Here are just a few:

• Email me: joshua -at- loveisgreaterthan -dot- com
• IM me: aim: joshw1022, gtalk: joshuarwhite, yahoo: shua1405
• For heavens sake, pick up the phone and call or text! It might be nice to hear from some of you during this time!

If I find myself with a plethora of extra time I didn’t know I had, I am sure amongst many other things, I will be using it to further my photography, catch up on reading, relax, and most importantly spend time with my wife (while she is stalking Facebook still, I’m sure =)).

See you all on the other side.

Jamie Oliver is quickly becoming one of my heroes. Between his new show airing on ABC called Food Revolution, his wish for winning the TEDPrize, and the TEDtalk I’m embedding below, it’s hard not to be impressed and inspired by what he is trying to do. Take 21 minutes out of your day and watch this video, I promise it’s worth it.

starting 2010 weight: 369.7
this week’s weigh-in: 364.6
total weight loss this week: 2.3 pounds

I’m still recovering from the last few weeks I’ve taken off… but all in all I can’t complain about 2.3 pounds. Especially since I JUST decided to start eating right again on Wednesday. I just really hope I can keep it going. One hour at a time, is my new motto =)

That, and nothing worth having ever comes easy.

This whole weight loss thing has me really thinking lately. How many areas of my life am I letting suffer because I am comfortable where I’m at? It’s such an oxymoron, because deep down I am anything but happy. Yet the struggle remains. I have an image of myself in my head, the person I want to be in a physical, spiritual, and mental sense, but yet I fail in an epic way every day to find the path between where I am now, and that person I want to be.

I preach (not in a literal sense) almost every day about how change is just a part of life, and that people shouldn’t fear it. It’s becoming clear to me how selfish I am when I say that, because whether or not that statement is true, I’m really just telling people they need to conform to what I think is right. How would I feel if they asked me to change to where they are? What if they’re right? My point is, I can’t even get myself to change in an area that I know is ridiculously important.

I’ve lost count of how many times over the last three years I’ve started losing weight, stopped, started again, etc… every time I come back here and say “this time is for real… really…” and every time I fail at keeping that promise. What other things in my life am I failing at?

I have no doubt in my mind that I am my harshest critic. Though, there was one time where my wife confronted me when I was very obviously trying to manipulate her into getting something I wanted, she called me out on it, and she was right. That was a tough pill to swallow, because I wasn’t even doing it consciously. Since then, I’ve made a real effort to not be that person anymore, and I would hope Ryanne would come here and say that I have gotten better. Old habits die hard, some harder than others… but I managed to make that one slowly fade.

So why can’t I find the gumption to make my waistline disappear? Why can’t I change my physical appearance? What the hell is wrong with me?

I write this post at 2:30am Thursday morning, knowing that yesterday I managed to stick to my calorie budget (and even documented it again for the first time in months). I celebrate having one good day behind me, yet I know the struggle will be back tenfold when I wake up later today. All I can hope for is to break this struggle down to a small enough fraction of time that I can take joy in every moment I’m doing the right thing. Perhaps looking at weight loss as “one day at a time” is even too large of a timeline for me.

I’m starting to understand the full weight (no pun intended) of this struggle. Despite the amount of them I’ve tried, I have never been addicted to a drug or drink (except for perhaps caffeine, though I have little doubt that if I *wanted* to, I could quit, I just like the taste of coffee and it’s zero calories), so I can’t pretend to understand what a drug or alcohol addict goes through. That said, I imagine in some way it’s similar. This entire evening, while Ryanne has been contently sleeping in the bedroom and I’m awake catching up on work, watching episodes of Entourage & Friday Night Lights and just relaxing, it’s taken every fiber of my being to not walk into the kitchen and pour myself a giant bowl of cereal with loads of sugar poured over it. Seriously… not a MINUTE has gone by where I haven’t considered it, and even tried to justify it.

There is no reason whatsoever that I should be happy being 360ish pounds. There is no health reason why this is a good thing. Saying “I’m just big-boned” or “I’m healthier than most stick-people” are the dirtiest lies overweight people say, because they’re lies to ourselves regardless of how true they may feel at the time. Even though I have a one hundred percent clean bill of health, I understand that’s pure luck. It’s a fluke. Eventually my lifestyle and all the extra weight I carry WILL catch up to me. I have done nothing with my physical body to deserve a clean bill of health, but I still have one. I’ve just learned to take advantage of that, and I need to find a way, and fast, to change it.

I think of all the people I’ve let down. My wife, my family, my friends, the people who’ve spent hours upon hours helping me to achieve lasting weight loss (my old trainer/dietician, Heather in particular)… I think of those people, and realize I’ve essentially just given them all the finger. With all of their help, two years ago I was seven pounds away from a total loss of 100 pounds, I was at 317 pounds. Today, I’ve put back on 50 of those pounds, and it makes me feel like a total jack ass.

But it doesn’t matter. There is nothing that anyone reading this can do to help me. Friends, family… nobody. I am sure to my core that this is a decision that I eventually have to make, a lifestyle I can sustain. I don’t want to wait till I have a heart attack while playing with my future children to realize that it’s time to make a change.

Thursday, tomorrow, is a new day. Hopefully it’ll be day two in living the right way, but I fully recognize the very real possibility that it may not be, and that Friday just might have to be day one again. This might just be the epic battle of my life…

And that almost makes me want to cry, because never in a million years did I want my life to be consumed with fighting an epic battle with of all people, me.