loveisgreaterthan[dot]com

it was a great time just relaxing with the wife. nice camper, quiet (for the most part), and lazy days. here are some pictures…

view the rest of the set here.

this book is proving to be quite incredible. i just love mcmanus’ style of presenting the gospel in ways that challenge me to think bigger than my little bubble.

here are some of my favorite quotes from chapter two, followed by my thoughts:

“how many of us are living unaware of all the unused potential all around us? or even within us? maybe your life is defined by problems you have not yet overcome, and you’ve conceded that these are your boundaries and limitations.”

“there is never a point in your life where you lack value or significance. there’s always something for you to contribute.”

“i think a lot of us are where we are in our lives because this is just sort of where we got stuck. you didn’t feel a god-inspired call to where you live; you just happened to be born there or transferred there. you are being manipulated by the circumstances of your life rather than being moved by a calling with purpose and potential.”

“do you have a career or a calling? are you there by accident or intention?”

“but it is possible you’ll never find greater contentment or joy or exhiliration until you’re willing to give up what you know and what you have for what awaits and what exists in the unknown.”

“when you live up to your greatness, the whole world is made better. the world cannot afford for you to choose average or easy.”

sorry for the number of quotes, but believe me when i say that this is only a sample from my moleskine! this book is really hitting me. hard. right in the gut. it challenges me, and makes me think about my place and what i’m doing to advance. if i were being truly honest with myself, i’m quite positive i am not yet living up to my potential. but, i’m honestly not sure what i’m supposed to be doing yet.

that isn’t to say i’m just biding my time and treading water in my current ministry career. i believe god called me there (the circumstances that lead me to my current job have jesus’ hands all over it), but i’ve been honest with everyone around me that i’m not sure i’ll be there forever. i truly believe there is something bigger out there for ryanne and i both.

for right now, i know that we need to get out of the bondage of debt, so we can enjoy the freedom to be able to pick up and move at the moment we feel god’s calling on us to change our location, or if we’re called to something far more drastic… perhaps long-term mission trips. who knows? i’m not willing to rule out anything under god’s design…

additionally, the quote about great contentment, and the one above it… i don’t believe are just about where you live. but for now lets explore just that side of it. it’s no secret that i’ve felt a calling to the pacific northwest my entire adult life. i can’t fully explain it. part of it i’m sure is just what i’ve seen from movies/television. some of it is from first-hand friends accounts. but most of it, i truly believe is a purpose that i haven’t fully realized yet. but i’m only human and my desires to get out of town, while understandably don’t make my family too happy at the prospect of me moving thousands of miles away, could be completely misguided.

still… i’m left to wonder if this… toledo, ohio… is all i’m supposed to know? i love my family to death, and i’d be the first to admit that moving miles away would be tough. but i refuse to believe that my fate is dictated solely by where i was born. i do not buy in to “i stay here because i was born here, and it’s home.” i believe home is, cliche’ as it sounds, where the heart is. and as long as i have the love and support of my wife, and at least the love of my family, i’m pretty sure “home” can be wherever god wants me to be.

so, any thoughts from the peanut gallery?

congratulations ryanne!

she got a new job yesterday, taking care of babies at a childcare in downtown toledo.

there will be some new scheduling issues for us to overcome, but nothing we can’t handle.

i’m really excited for her

i don’t have a lot of money.

so i can’t buy you the expensive gifts that i know you deserve.

but today, in whatever small ways that i can… i want you to know that i appreciate you, for helping me become the man i am today.

happy mothers day, mom.

*note - this series started from brody harper. basically, the idea is for us bloggers to write a post every tuesday building someone up. click here for more details on how it started.

what better person to write about in my inaguraul “positive post tuesday” than the woman who makes me want to be a better man on a daily basis? my wife ryanne, challenges me in way i never thought possible.

it’s been nearly four years now that we’ve been married. in that time we have been through a lot. it’s crazy to think this thing has really just gotten started, relatively speaking. in that four years, i’ve been amazed by the courage, tenacity, love, and determination this woman has showed. it takes all of the above to deal with me! we’ve been through some hard times, and a lot of great times… but one thing has always remained consistent, the commitment and love we have for each other.

i’m looking forward to the next stage of life with ryanne. she will be an amazing mother, and i very much anticipate raising children with her. then, after that… growing old together sounds like a wonderful plan. it will entail a lot of traveling, lounging, and old-people sex.

…yeah, that’s right.

if you pay attention to my twitter-feed, you’ll already know what i’m about to share.

at approximately 3am this (friday) morning, april 25th, my grandmother on my mom’s side passed away. it did not come as too much of a surprise, as the night before she was transferred from a hospital to hospice, however we weren’t expecting it as soon as it happened.

everyone in the family is doing as well as can be expected, some really well. i was scheduled to run switchers at the perrysburg campus of cedarcreek this weekend, but the leadership is being very generous and letting me skip out to be with my family.

in the midst of all the craziness that surrounds a death in the family, especially a grandmother of such a large family. she had four children, and between those four children (all of which are married) there are seven grandchildren, five of which are married, and i believe six great grandchildren. so in the midst of all those people, all those opinions, one thing stands out to me, and that is love.

of course there is love amongst the family, but it’s been incredible to watch those outside the family do whatever they can to step up and pitch in to help out. in my immediate family alone, we have been blessed by my mothers boss, who spent ten hours today cooking a ridiculous amount of food for my parents, so at the very least they wouldn’t have to worry about meals for the next few days. we have been blessed by an incredible outpouring of support from staff members at cedarcreek, as well as the volunteer team i lead and my parents serve on. we have been blessed by the willingness of a couple of cedarcreek musicians; lauren and jason, to come out on sunday night and play a few songs at the showing… this is after a grueling five service weekend with multiple run-through’s and rehearsals.

it’s just incredible to be a part of a few networks of people who are so willing to step up and say “how can i help?” moreover, it’s incredible to watch people just do things, without any expectation of repayment, just because they love and support you. i’m truly in awe.

it really is an honor for me to be in the company of such wonderful people. all of you have my warmest thanks and respect. i don’t really believe i can say it enough.

for me, today has been a grind. i’ll be the first to admit that death affects me much differently than most others. my role over the course of the next few days is less as a mourner, and more of a support figure for my mother and the rest of my family. i was an idiot and stayed up till 2am this morning, only to be awoke at 3:30am by a phone call from my father informing me that my grandmother had passed away.

ryanne and i crawled out of bed right then and headed into hospice. after a brief hour-ish long nap at my parents, i’ve been going non-stop the rest of the day. relying on a diet consisting of little else other than caffeine, sugar, and hot sauce (we ate at a mexican restaurant for lunch), i’m finally beginning to feel the events of the day start to catch up with me. it’s not even 8pm, but i’m starting to feel like it’s bedtime.

so, that’s where i’m headed. i just wanted to give you all a heads up if this blog goes quiet for a few days (although i believe i have at least one time-shifted blog post that i wrote earlier in the week going up sometime this weekend) of what is going on in my life at the moment. so, until things slow down a little (the funeral is monday morning), i’m not sure if much is going to be happening here.

grace & peace,
- joshua

i still have nightmares, regularly. i hate it.

it was easier as a kid, i dreamed about godzilla and dracula coming and torturing me. i dreamed about monsters and terminator killing my parents. why was this easier, you may be asking…

because now i dream about loss. loneliness, death, depression. my childhood nightmares of freddy krueger and jason vorhees have been replaced with nightmares of my wife dying, or worse… my wife leaving me. i don’t know why, but dreams like this have become a regular occurrence. i don’t think i struggle with codependency or low self-esteem, so other than “growing up,” i really don’t have an explanation for these nightmares.

sometimes, i wake up in the morning believing that i’m going to reach across the bed and realize that it wasn’t a dream. i’m going to reach across the bed and nothing will be there but more blankets and sheets. it’s a horrible, horrible feeling that i don’t wish upon anyone.

but, so far every time that i’ve had this feeling, i end up feeling silly after i tell ryanne about it and she says “i’m not going anywhere.” well, silly… but gratified and blessed too. i at least have one more day with the love of my life, and one more night to have horrible dreams.

what do you dream/have nightmares about?

anyone know one?

my wife came home from work last night at about 6pm. my dad and i were working in the bathroom laying some tile, and she comes in and says “i think i’m getting sick.” up until this point, i felt perfectly healthy. i even told her “stay away from me,” in a totally loving way of course, but i hate being sick.

no less than fifteen minutes later i felt my throat starting to bunge up, and junk start to accumulate in my sinuses. unbe-freakin-lievable.

between my wife coughing through the night and my inability to breathe combined with the fires of hell raging in my throat, neither of us got much sleep last night.

so, here i sit at home, in my bed, sick. wishing it would go away. i can’t really talk that effectively, which has already cost me a phone call i was really looking forward to from a photographer and blogging-friend down in florida about a project of his i may be getting involved in.

bleh… i hate being sick. i don’t have time in my life to be sick.

i wonder if we have any chicken noodle soup…