he’s just a friend. frankly, not even a particularly great one. i don’t say that to mean that i don’t like the guy… or didn’t before he left for iraq to serve in the us army. i just mean that for as much as i do enjoy his company, we’re not exactly “close” friends or anything.
nonetheless, pictures like this of my friend jay, taken recently from somewhere in iraq, give me an immense sense of pride. i can look at this picture and say; “man, i’m friends with that guy.”
i spent a couple hours with jason this morning helping him redesign theworstblogger.com.
i’m glad he’s happy with it, because i love it! i was quite jealous as i started putting the finishing touches on it.
go check it out, leave him some love.
tonight i went with my wife to go see the film “stop-loss.” a friend of ours named leah, invited us to go see it with her a few weeks ago. it’s important to give you this information because leah’s husband jay, is currently serving our country as an army medic in iraq at this very moment. he’s been gone for over three months now, and probably won’t return for at least another ten months (i may be a little off, apologies to leah if i am).
all the things i want to say about this film, i’m not sure any of it is going to come out exactly how i mean it. i’m warning you now, this could be lengthly. filled with nonsense and ranting and opinion.
first, you need to understand something about me. i’m the guy who went into a state of depression for two weeks after seeing the movie “titanic.” “garden state” affected me on such a deep level, that it was hard for me to explain to anyone why i liked it so much. “braveheart,” “we were soldiers,” and parts of “the lord of the rings” series all brought me into pretty deep levels of thought that i didn’t return from for days. i blame this on being a “creative.” i don’t go to movies just to get entertained… i go because they affect me. i tend to empathize with the characters in these films, and i allow myself to try and feel what they feel. sometimes, i don’t like to talk for a while after i see a movie, because i just want to dwell in it. i take it, and internalize it. sometimes i come and blog about it later.
tonight was a movie i have very strong political feelings about. most of you know where i stand when it comes to this war (against.) most of you know where i stand when it comes to this president (against.) but this wasn’t about that. not tonight.
tonight, my heart broke for our soldiers. there is something about a soldier’s life that i will never, ever be able to fully understand. no matter how hard i try to “feel” what they feel. there are parts of a soldier’s life that i envy something fierce; honor, courage, loyalty, leadership, unity, bravery… to name a few. and then there’s the things that a soldier sees, hears, feels, while in battle. how can anyone who’s not been through that ever be able to fully relate? i can’t imagine how alone soldiers struggling with PTSD must feel.
what does it mean to really “support” our troops? when a politician gets on television and argues about who really “supports” the troops, what does that even mean? how can bush say he supports our troops, and then go and stop-loss tens of thousands of them? how can democrats say they support our troops when they vote to not fund them? it’s all so messed up. fact is, only soldiers really know what it’s like over there. and this movie, while i’m sure accurate in a great many respects, has an agenda as well… as was evidenced by the text at the end of the film.
i can sit here and say that i know what’s best for our soldiers (getting out of iraq, sooner the better.) but i know there are plenty of people who disagree with me, and plenty of those people are much smarter, and much more experienced than me.
so why even bother having an opinion? i mean really, what good does mine do? for all i know i could be completely wrong on every issue that i believe i have a firm, and correct stance on.
but it all comes back to my friend leah. her and jay are the first people i have close personal ties to that are directly involved in this war. and that really throws everything for a loop. i watched jay volunteer… volunteer to put his life on the line in defense of something bigger than himself. for once in my life i don’t know what to say. i can’t even fathom that. i’m not comparing our soldiers to jesus here, but just as i can’t understand and fathom jesus going through what he went through to save the rest of us from ourselves, i cannot understand someone who risks their lives on a daily basis for a war that may not (please recognize my wording as a plea not to make this political) in the end even be something we should have done to begin with. i can’t begin to respect enough the brave men and women that have that “thing” in their head that tells them they need to serve their country, and ultimately a joe-schmoe citizen… me.
somewhere, a soldier in iraq is having his or her life threatened every hour of every day. this soldier out there, is willing to die for this country so i can sit safely in my recently purchased house, complain about my place in life, and blog about what i think is best for that soldier. when i take a step outside my egotistical opinions for just a moment and look at that, it makes me very angry at myself. it’s so much more real now that i can put a name and a face on that soldier… my friend jay. leah’s husband jay is putting his life on the line on a daily basis so i can have an opinion on whats best for him. i don’t know, but that feels ridiculous to me…
honestly it makes me feel like a total jacka$$.
and right now, i’m not really sure what to do with it.
six years ago was roughly the last time i can honestly say that i was a part of group of friends that met and hang out regularly. by regularly, i mean at least once a week, but more likely two to three times.
i miss this.
don’t get me wrong, i understand completely that these were also the days where i didn’t have a real job, a home, and most importantly, a wife. still, there are parts of that era of my life i would love to get back. an argument could be had over whether or not the relationships i had during that time were truly authentic, but i choose to believe that they were.
my life now consists of work, wife, home, pets, and SOMETIMES family. please know, that i am not complaining about my place in life. i love my wife something fierce, and love almost every moment i get to spend with her. i think she would even agree with me though that lasting, real, and authentic relationships is something we both wish we had in our lives.
it’s hard for me, for a variety of reasons. i don’t really feel like i can open up to the people i work with… there just seems to be an invisible line of what is an appropriate work relationship and what is not. i don’t expect everyone to understand this, maybe i’m just weird, but i’ve never been one to become good friends with someone i work with. it’s just uncomfortable for me.
past that, my life is so busy with everything i already listed, that i seldom have opportunities to meet new people, and honestly i wonder if i really want to go through the hassle anyway. there’s something unnerving about meeting new people, getting to know them, and more importantly letting them get to know you. if i were to be honest, it’s almost like an un-winnable scenario. i want… nay, crave authentic relationships, but i don’t want to go through the trouble of forging new ones.
these are just a few reasons why i was so happy to hear that my old friend john was moving back home. even though he moves back under some pretty crappy circumstances, selfishly it still made me happy to have him home. still, it’s unfair for me to place this “i need a real, authentic relationship with someone who will never be afraid to call me on my crap” burden solely on his shoulders. regardless of whether or not he would accept it… the real issue here is whether or not that i’ll carve out time in my schedule anyway.
life has certainly gotten complicated here in this “quarterlife” section of my life. there are very few easy decisions anymore. thankfully i’ve at least got the career and marriage aspect of my life figured out, which albeit are two BIG, if not the BIGGEST parts, but i still feel like there is something seriously missing.
now, my cedarcreek-homies may be quick to point me to a “life group.” this is an issue all on it’s own. i can’t be in a life group with staff members and truly open up for reasons i already listed above, and i really don’t think i can connect personally with people who attend cedarcreek due to the fact that i am on staff with the church they attend and look to for spiritual guidance. for the most part, people who don’t work in ministry, or have never worked in ministry, can not possibly understand what it’s like. and it’s a HUGE part of me. even my wife doesn’t understand it fully. this isn’t to say i will never be in another life group, i fully recognize the fact that ryanne and i SHOULD be in one, possibly even leading one… i just don’t know if i’ll ever be able to be truly authentic in one.
there are times when i give honest thought to just picking up (if my wife would ever go for it) and hauling our lives straight out of town, starting over somewhere else far, far away. with each passing year, the roots to this part of the world get deeper and deeper, and i feel the door of relocation closing faster and faster. even if i were to do that, there is no guarantee it would fix anything. quite the opposite, really.
what do you do (if anything) to keep authentic relationships a priority in your life?
well, it’s come to my attention that my blog has become increasingly political. i will not apologize for this, as it is indeed a personal blog that will ebb and flow along with whatever is important to me at the time. of course, you can always count on a few regular things here on my corner of the web; pop culture, weight loss, sports, jesus, and yes… politics. who knows what will strike my fancy on any given day.
that being said, this is NOT a political blog. however, with yesterday being super-tuesday, things have leaned heavily in that direction lately. this isn’t the norm, i promise you. to prove it to you, i’m going to stay away from politics for at least two weeks. this is even easier for me seeing as how my “blog-fast” is coming up in a few days.
to close it out, i wanted to share some thoughts about super-tuesday.
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