loveisgreaterthan[dot]com

six years ago was roughly the last time i can honestly say that i was a part of group of friends that met and hang out regularly. by regularly, i mean at least once a week, but more likely two to three times.

i miss this.

don’t get me wrong, i understand completely that these were also the days where i didn’t have a real job, a home, and most importantly, a wife. still, there are parts of that era of my life i would love to get back. an argument could be had over whether or not the relationships i had during that time were truly authentic, but i choose to believe that they were.

my life now consists of work, wife, home, pets, and SOMETIMES family. please know, that i am not complaining about my place in life. i love my wife something fierce, and love almost every moment i get to spend with her. i think she would even agree with me though that lasting, real, and authentic relationships is something we both wish we had in our lives.

it’s hard for me, for a variety of reasons. i don’t really feel like i can open up to the people i work with… there just seems to be an invisible line of what is an appropriate work relationship and what is not. i don’t expect everyone to understand this, maybe i’m just weird, but i’ve never been one to become good friends with someone i work with. it’s just uncomfortable for me.

past that, my life is so busy with everything i already listed, that i seldom have opportunities to meet new people, and honestly i wonder if i really want to go through the hassle anyway. there’s something unnerving about meeting new people, getting to know them, and more importantly letting them get to know you. if i were to be honest, it’s almost like an un-winnable scenario. i want… nay, crave authentic relationships, but i don’t want to go through the trouble of forging new ones.

these are just a few reasons why i was so happy to hear that my old friend john was moving back home. even though he moves back under some pretty crappy circumstances, selfishly it still made me happy to have him home. still, it’s unfair for me to place this “i need a real, authentic relationship with someone who will never be afraid to call me on my crap” burden solely on his shoulders. regardless of whether or not he would accept it… the real issue here is whether or not that i’ll carve out time in my schedule anyway.

life has certainly gotten complicated here in this “quarterlife” section of my life. there are very few easy decisions anymore. thankfully i’ve at least got the career and marriage aspect of my life figured out, which albeit are two BIG, if not the BIGGEST parts, but i still feel like there is something seriously missing.

now, my cedarcreek-homies may be quick to point me to a “life group.” this is an issue all on it’s own. i can’t be in a life group with staff members and truly open up for reasons i already listed above, and i really don’t think i can connect personally with people who attend cedarcreek due to the fact that i am on staff with the church they attend and look to for spiritual guidance. for the most part, people who don’t work in ministry, or have never worked in ministry, can not possibly understand what it’s like. and it’s a HUGE part of me. even my wife doesn’t understand it fully. this isn’t to say i will never be in another life group, i fully recognize the fact that ryanne and i SHOULD be in one, possibly even leading one… i just don’t know if i’ll ever be able to be truly authentic in one.

there are times when i give honest thought to just picking up (if my wife would ever go for it) and hauling our lives straight out of town, starting over somewhere else far, far away. with each passing year, the roots to this part of the world get deeper and deeper, and i feel the door of relocation closing faster and faster. even if i were to do that, there is no guarantee it would fix anything. quite the opposite, really.

what do you do (if anything) to keep authentic relationships a priority in your life?